i never know how to title these.

halloween, a time for ghouls, ghosts and dressing up. but somehow it makes me so sad. have you "A Perfect World"? it was a movie with Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood, in it Costner kidnaps a little Jehovah's Witness boy and they weirdly become friends, that's not the point. the point is, there is a scene where the little boy who is kidnapped gets to celebrate his first halloween, he dresses up as casper the friendly ghost. and there is something in that scene that i remember as being so sad. i saw that movie when it came out in 1993 and haven't seen is since. but i always think of seeing that little boy's masked casper face around halloween time.
this was my first halloween at home since i graduated from college, and also my first halloween at home where my mom wasn't sitting on the front porch dressed like a pumpkin handing out candy to kids. i didn't realize how difficult it would be here in decatur, without her. the strangest things remind me of her.
today there was a woman in the library when i was there who has some sort of disability and she was so much like my mom. i almost started crying right there.
well, i guess all you ever get is super-melancholy.

MUST READ

i think everyone should read the book "Why We're Not Emergent (By Two Guys Who Should Be)" by DeYoung and Kluck. It explores and explains the emerging/emergent ideas and critiques them in a fair way. I love that they quote from actual authors, not paraphrasing, I think it makes for less exaggerating. i just think its good and worth the time. its a pretty easy read yet thoughtful.

in other news. i'm trying to become a temp. i'm pretty sure i'm qualified, but i'm having trouble getting a job :( also, becoming a sub has been the bane of my existence.

and its fall here, which is so lovely. but if i'm still in indiana when it starts snowing, i may not be so happy. yea right, i'll probably like that too. or maybe i'll be playing outside in the sunshine in florida :)

family.

i never realized how difficult my family situation is to communicate until recently. a friend wanted to know more about the way i grew up and with whom, i guess i've always known it was hard to explain, but for the first time i'm realizing that its not normal. i also have been realizing that i share about my family chronologically, not in age but in who i lived with when or who was around at a particular time.
i share my life by geography and decades because there is very little cohesion between the "eras" of my life.

i was looking at pictures of my mom today, i'm trying to put together an album for my nephew of my mom's side of the family. i miss my mom, a lot. i was so relieved when she died, it was like a weight was lifted, i didn't have to watch her die anymore. but now i miss her. i wish i had known her, that i could ask her questions. she's never going to meet her grand children, she never met my brother's wife. she's never going to meet the man i marry. i'm just sad i never got to share life with her, i'm sad that i was still a sulking teenager when she died, i wish she could know the woman i am becoming. i think she'd be proud to be my mom.

i finally figured out how to put pictures up

my adorable nephew, bryce. he is precious.


my sister gave me a make over, that was fun.

okay well that was fun.

i dante love ball state football

i love the fall.
tonight i went to my little brother's high school band preview night. it was so strange to be back at my old high school. i felt like awkward 15 year old again. its strange that my little brother is now an awkward 15 year old. the reality of my leaving is finally hitting me. now that i'm older i am seeing the things that i miss out on. this whole trip has been so great though. there are so really hard things, but its good to just kind of live life for a couple weeks with them. but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't looking forward to seeing friends.
but these are the reasons i love the fall:
1. ball state football, namely dante love, nate davis, darius hill
2. cooler weather, but not cold
3. leaves changing color
4. back to school supplies
5. life feels a little more like a return to normal after the summer.

a little less than a week left to enjoy the beauty of life in this place. i'm going to keep trusting in the Lord and He will show how awesome He is.

california here i come

i have many thoughts, generally about books, that will appear in this space in the not to distant future. but i have been busy. between going to weddings, raising support, and that darn michael phelps (and the other olympic athletes) i barely sleep anymore.

but i am making way to california, the journey begins tomorrow and will end at 9:55pm California time on thursday. you might think i was going to asia, but no, just across the country. oh well, cheap flying is cheap flying.

i'm excited/nervous to see my family. its been a while and i don't really know what to expect. its been 8 years since i have been home for more than a week and i'm taking two. i'll also be there on the anniversary of my mom's death. but all in all i think its going to be good. i think the Lord has good things for me and has gone before me in this adventure, like He does.

one day i intend to write a real post, but for now, this is all i've got.

back in indiana

so new staff training is over and now i am full-time raising support. i want to be excited about that, but its definitely an adjustment to be back at my grandma's house. i think if there were a specific and guaranteed leave date i would be able to adjust better.
i was super optomistic while i was in orlando about the amount of time it would take to raise all the support, but now i'm back in reality and see that it might be a longer stint here in the hoosier state.
but i'm pretty well convinced that the Lord has me here for a reason, i'm not sure what yet, but i think it'll probably be super hard, but super awesome. i feel like that's a theme with me and Jesus.
so i've got lots of appointmens, which is really fun. and i'm going to weddings and seeing people in different towns to talk about life and ministry, so that's cool.
i also hope to blog more often. mostly for myself and if anyone reads that might be cool.
i'm working on a post that needs to be handled carefully i think, it started about a book, but has turned into something else. i hope to put it up soon. but who knows.
so that's the update.
if you live in or around indiana, lets hang out. i need friends.