its time.

i've been doing some thinking. i am convinced that there is something major brewing. you know how you can sometimes feel it when a storm is coming. i am seeing how with the Church there is something coming.

it is time to stand and fight. it is time to say there will be no half-lies in the church. it is time to stand firm and stand only on the solid rock of Christ. its time we stop being so tolerant to lies in the church, as if that's what Jesus would want us to do.

we absolutely must be full of grace, as Christ is, but what good is it for a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? if our souls are eternal, if our relationship with Christ is the most important and primary thing in our lives and if lies disrupt that relationship, then we must stand against every lie.

the best lies are laced with truth. don't be deceived. take up the full armor of God and fight against the principalities of darkness, ephesians 6. READ the BIBLE. Believe the Words of Truth. For where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Freedom (2 cor 3:17) and the Truth shall set you free (john 8:32). discern. learn to use that brain the Lord gave you. do not look to yourself to find truth, because "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" jer. 17:9

the lie has been the same from the beginning "you will be like God" but you will not be like God, you were created to know Him, to be in relationship with Him, you were created to serve Him. that is the only place that TRUE LIFE is found. "now this is eternal life: that you know You the only true God and Jesus Christ whom He has sent." John 17:3

Ball State Football and the undefeated non-BCS teams

i like to keep up to date on my alma matter's football team. i fell in love with college football in college. i didn't care about any teams, but my little team. we were awful. most of the fans in the student section would leave well before the game was over. but the faithful few, including me, would stay until the end. we would hope that they would pull one last play that we could cheer and yell for, they often did although it merely put a dent in the oh so large gap between their winning and our losing. but despite all that right after i graduated a new quarterback started playing, he was freshman and he was good. there had been a couple new guys the year before at wide receiver and tight end. so three years ago, my senior year, the offense was starting to really come together. well this year is kind of the culmination of all that. and now we're ranked for the first time in history ball state is a ranked school. today we stand at 14 in the BCS standing. tonight we play against miami university in oxford, oh. but there are still so many who question whether we have earned a spot in coveted bowl game, and not just ball state, but utah and boise state as well. granted our schedule isn't as difficult as an SEC schedule, but i think if we continue this momentum through the last three games of the season, then we deserve to play in that arena.
because its a tremendous thing to go undefeated and it should be rewarded. schedules are often set twelve to twenty four months before it actually happens. and in the case of ball state, there is no way two years ago anyone would have seen an undefeated season coming. i contend that ball state, boise state and utah could hold their own, and its a shame that people would rather see the "haves" play in bowl games, who have not been successful, than the "have nots" play in a once in a lifetime arena. i think about those players, who only have four years to play, with only a few going on to national glory, and those players who have worked so hard to be undefeated, shouldn't they have a chance to play in "real" football. who knows they might just surprise you.
chirp. chirp.

i never know how to title these.

halloween, a time for ghouls, ghosts and dressing up. but somehow it makes me so sad. have you "A Perfect World"? it was a movie with Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood, in it Costner kidnaps a little Jehovah's Witness boy and they weirdly become friends, that's not the point. the point is, there is a scene where the little boy who is kidnapped gets to celebrate his first halloween, he dresses up as casper the friendly ghost. and there is something in that scene that i remember as being so sad. i saw that movie when it came out in 1993 and haven't seen is since. but i always think of seeing that little boy's masked casper face around halloween time.
this was my first halloween at home since i graduated from college, and also my first halloween at home where my mom wasn't sitting on the front porch dressed like a pumpkin handing out candy to kids. i didn't realize how difficult it would be here in decatur, without her. the strangest things remind me of her.
today there was a woman in the library when i was there who has some sort of disability and she was so much like my mom. i almost started crying right there.
well, i guess all you ever get is super-melancholy.

MUST READ

i think everyone should read the book "Why We're Not Emergent (By Two Guys Who Should Be)" by DeYoung and Kluck. It explores and explains the emerging/emergent ideas and critiques them in a fair way. I love that they quote from actual authors, not paraphrasing, I think it makes for less exaggerating. i just think its good and worth the time. its a pretty easy read yet thoughtful.

in other news. i'm trying to become a temp. i'm pretty sure i'm qualified, but i'm having trouble getting a job :( also, becoming a sub has been the bane of my existence.

and its fall here, which is so lovely. but if i'm still in indiana when it starts snowing, i may not be so happy. yea right, i'll probably like that too. or maybe i'll be playing outside in the sunshine in florida :)

family.

i never realized how difficult my family situation is to communicate until recently. a friend wanted to know more about the way i grew up and with whom, i guess i've always known it was hard to explain, but for the first time i'm realizing that its not normal. i also have been realizing that i share about my family chronologically, not in age but in who i lived with when or who was around at a particular time.
i share my life by geography and decades because there is very little cohesion between the "eras" of my life.

i was looking at pictures of my mom today, i'm trying to put together an album for my nephew of my mom's side of the family. i miss my mom, a lot. i was so relieved when she died, it was like a weight was lifted, i didn't have to watch her die anymore. but now i miss her. i wish i had known her, that i could ask her questions. she's never going to meet her grand children, she never met my brother's wife. she's never going to meet the man i marry. i'm just sad i never got to share life with her, i'm sad that i was still a sulking teenager when she died, i wish she could know the woman i am becoming. i think she'd be proud to be my mom.

i finally figured out how to put pictures up

my adorable nephew, bryce. he is precious.


my sister gave me a make over, that was fun.

okay well that was fun.

i dante love ball state football

i love the fall.
tonight i went to my little brother's high school band preview night. it was so strange to be back at my old high school. i felt like awkward 15 year old again. its strange that my little brother is now an awkward 15 year old. the reality of my leaving is finally hitting me. now that i'm older i am seeing the things that i miss out on. this whole trip has been so great though. there are so really hard things, but its good to just kind of live life for a couple weeks with them. but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't looking forward to seeing friends.
but these are the reasons i love the fall:
1. ball state football, namely dante love, nate davis, darius hill
2. cooler weather, but not cold
3. leaves changing color
4. back to school supplies
5. life feels a little more like a return to normal after the summer.

a little less than a week left to enjoy the beauty of life in this place. i'm going to keep trusting in the Lord and He will show how awesome He is.

california here i come

i have many thoughts, generally about books, that will appear in this space in the not to distant future. but i have been busy. between going to weddings, raising support, and that darn michael phelps (and the other olympic athletes) i barely sleep anymore.

but i am making way to california, the journey begins tomorrow and will end at 9:55pm California time on thursday. you might think i was going to asia, but no, just across the country. oh well, cheap flying is cheap flying.

i'm excited/nervous to see my family. its been a while and i don't really know what to expect. its been 8 years since i have been home for more than a week and i'm taking two. i'll also be there on the anniversary of my mom's death. but all in all i think its going to be good. i think the Lord has good things for me and has gone before me in this adventure, like He does.

one day i intend to write a real post, but for now, this is all i've got.

back in indiana

so new staff training is over and now i am full-time raising support. i want to be excited about that, but its definitely an adjustment to be back at my grandma's house. i think if there were a specific and guaranteed leave date i would be able to adjust better.
i was super optomistic while i was in orlando about the amount of time it would take to raise all the support, but now i'm back in reality and see that it might be a longer stint here in the hoosier state.
but i'm pretty well convinced that the Lord has me here for a reason, i'm not sure what yet, but i think it'll probably be super hard, but super awesome. i feel like that's a theme with me and Jesus.
so i've got lots of appointmens, which is really fun. and i'm going to weddings and seeing people in different towns to talk about life and ministry, so that's cool.
i also hope to blog more often. mostly for myself and if anyone reads that might be cool.
i'm working on a post that needs to be handled carefully i think, it started about a book, but has turned into something else. i hope to put it up soon. but who knows.
so that's the update.
if you live in or around indiana, lets hang out. i need friends.

question.

denominationalism: extra-Biblical or unbiblical? what do you think?

life at rollins

I have been in Winter Park for 9 days, but it feels like its been longer (in such a good way). I am taking some fun classes. I love that we get to learn about doctrine and theology. Pretty much I get to hang out with Jesus and call it homework.
There has been a lot of work, but I have really enjoyed most of it.
I love that I get to be here with a bunch of other awesome people, it has been such a joy to get to know these people.

the thing that i cannot get over is the reality of the mystery of the Gospel. we have been studying Ephesians pretty hard core, but the striking thing has been how radical it was for Paul to say that the Gospel is for everyone. the power of Christ is able to cross over all boundary lines, God is able to do all things. i am continually awed at the greatness of His majesty and at His ability to do anything. i want to continue to believe Him for all things, knowing He is the author and perfecter of my faith, that He is the one who works out all things.

my prayer is that my life will be lived radically, not because i don't want a boring existence, but because there is something worth radically living for. my hope is that i will have my eyes so fixed on Jesus that i cannot help but to do the things He did. and lets get serious, He lived so radically.

Jesus, help me to love deeply, to be bold and kind, just as Christ is a lion-like Lamb and a lamb-like Lion. Jesus, help me to be like You.

today's the day

I move to Winter Park today, to start a new chapter of my life as a woman on staff.
weird.

its the melancholy talking

just a side note, sometimes, especially in writing, i can be a little emo.
i think its helpful to be able to write it out, so sometimes, i'm a little sad in my head and getting it out in blogland is good for me.
but i'm doing really great.
really.
in fact tonight i put pink hightlights in my hair. its a throw back to 2005 as pictured above.
hopefully soon there will be pictures of the current pink hair.
okay. peace. (that's cuz i'm hip hop)

i am astonished at how little it takes to stir up things of old.

why do i keep hoping that one of these days i am going to wake up and not be sad that my mom's gone?
do i really think that it works that way?
they say all wounds heal with time, but the mere mention of a random remark that just catches my heart a certain way and i'm all sorts of melancholy.
how is it possible that it feels more painful now then it did?

we were not made for this.

there will be blood

on saturday night i watched the movie "there will be blood" and i cannot stop thinking about it. but you know a movie is good when you can't get it out of your head. it was really deep and sad and dark. there is something in that darkness that mirrors the darkness that i have known, in my own life and in the world around me. its this ambition, which in our culture is the most highly respected characteristic of the sinful nature. this ambition steals from the main character any real chance he has at happiness.
one of the things that most affected me in this film is that daniel day lewis plays an exaggerated version of me, well not me specifically, but the universal me, humanity. this film seems to drudge up what is inside of people. we as humans long for control, wealth and respect. lewis' character single-mindedly went after being the best oil-man, at whatever cost.
i guess the reason i am still thinking about this movie is because i could so easily be that person. selfish ambition could very easily be the driving force of my life. my life plan was in fact to "make it". there is still this drive, but who i am is no longer determined by my success. even more, i am now freed from having to prove myself by my success. i am proved entirely by Jesus, His work on this earth and His completion on the cross.
i sometimes forget, or want to forget, the reality that people are bad. i want to believe in the goodness of people. but i know my own heart, i know that with out Jesus i am just bad. and that is the reality of all people.
somehow i find myself coming back to the Gospel from almost every encounter i have with popular culture.
if you can stomach it, watch "there will be blood".

and now its may

i find myself doing the strangest things. for example i check daily check blogs of people i know do not currently have the capability to write new entries, yet somehow i feel the need to check, just to make sure.
there is also something that happens in me every time i flip my calender to the next month. i have this desire to do something great. at the beginning of every month, i think "this is going to be the month when something incredible is going to happen" and then when i flip to the next month, i feel a little sad that the world isn't totally different.

i think we all want to do something great, we want to be a part of something that rocks the world.
i desperately want to do something lasting and great and memorable. but i find that every time i do something i think is just so great, it doesn't last, there isn't much depth to it. but there are things i have been a part of where i have not been the driving force that are significant. the ministry i've been a part of, the ministry that i in no way have been able to create in myself, its had huge impacts on people. its ridiculously humbling to see how God uses a scared, clumsy, foolish girl like me to bring about His redemption and His life.
its like what Paul writes in Galatians 2:20 "i have been crucified with Christ. it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me. and the life i now live in the flesh i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
so i have to die, my will and desire has to die, so that real life can be lived out of my body, but Jesus, His life, has to what is lived out.
paul calls himself a bondservant a lot and one of the defining characteristics of a bondservant is that he chooses to give up his will so that the master's will is the only objective for his life. so not that i serve the Lord, but that serving the Lord is all of my life.
Jesus did this His whole life. A particular example is when Jesus is talking with the woman at the well in John 4 and his disciples go and get food and when they come back, Jesus says that He has food that they do not know about. He says "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to accomplish His work." Jesus simplemindedly did the will of the Father.
shouldn't i do the same?

its been a while

a lot has been going on, maybe that's why i haven't blogged. its probably that i haven't been able to articulate what i really want to articulate. so i'm just going to let you know what i've been up to, maybe that would be interesting. i hope it is.

a little more of my future is "figured" out, i got my pre-acceptance to staff [yay!] so i will be going to training this summer. i also checked out a seminary in orlando and i really would like to go there at some point in the future. maybe start taking classes when i get back from support raising. it has opened my eyes to some new possibilities, but as i explore the idea of really doing it i get so excited. so maybe its worth considering more.

last weekend i went to peoria, il to see two of my friends/teammates get married. it was a 21 hour roadtrip with six other friends and it was a really fun whirlwind of a weekend. then i headed to indiana for a week long fun fest culminating in the joining together of two other dear friends. i have been back in muncie, the city i went to school in and i interned here.

i have only been gone a year, so a lot seems the same, but everything seems different too. i have loved getting to reconnect with friends and making new friends. but as i've talked about my year, it is even more evident to me that i made the right choice in going to orlando and that my job is the right job for me. so its been pretty fun.

but it is strange that when i get back to florida 10 of the people that were there when i left are going to be gone. i know that people leaving is a big part of the life that i have, but in light of the travel schedule being light, especially with some of these girls, i haven't really had to say long goodbyes. but that time has ended and now, we say goodbye again.

april fools

i was totally going to pull a prank today. but then life happens.

someday.

and it'll be awesome.

maybe

i read this book that has led me to some maybes.
We Really Do Need Each Other its a great book, by Reuben Welch. pretty easy read with great Biblical principles.
one of the ideas i love from the book is that God doesn't need us to tell Him how much we love Him (although, I think it naturally overflows out of our lives), but we can show how we trust and believe His love by the way we love others. Its like if we are convinced that our lives are caught up in Christ, then we are FREE to lay them down because we believe that they will be raised up with Him. so we can be spent loving people. seeing people. really seeing people.

we are free to love because we know that Jesus loves us.

if we don't think the love, the life will run out, then we are free to love and give life. Jesus says, "what good is it for a man to have the whole world and lose his soul?" what good is is to have life saved up when we die?

maybe saved up life is more like manna then money. maybe everyday God gives us more than enough life for the today and if we try to save some for tomorrow it will be rotten like the Israelite's manna. what if our "saved up" life won't gain interest and earn us more like a bank account, but will spoil like yesterday's manna. maybe we need to believe God when He says that He cares more for us than the sparrows and meadows which are abundantly cared for.

maybe its not just the physical, maybe its everything.

greece!

i'm currently in athens, greece. and let me tell you, they are not lying when they say its breathtaking. its been a fun day and a half. people sometimes hate the play-by-play but i'm going to do it anyway, so now you've been warned. but i thinks its been a pretty unusual/funny couple days.
we arrived at the airport on saturday morning, our flight was early (like that ever happens), so our ride wasn't there to greet us, so we waited and then he came. this nice staff guy from texas left his usual saturday with the family to pick us up. he told us the things we needed to see and the areas of town that might be a little shady and even where to go to church. super helpful.
we checked in to our hotel, the pictures online give it a bit more credit than it deserves (its still really awesome and i'm so thankful to be staying here). then we decided to make good use of our day. we were told that the sunset from mars hill was amazing, so we planned our day around that. we walked up this street that has all the "galleria" shopping. carnival began this week, its the weeks leading up to Greek Orthodox Lent, so for carnival kids (and some crazy adults) dress up like princesses, pirates, cowboys, the three wise men(grown-ups), bumblebees, and other random stuff. so here we are in greece walking up this street that has random people in costumes, stray dogs sleeping where ever, native americans dancing, standing basses playing, refugees selling weird toys, the smell of sesame bread, its not what i thought of when i thought of greece. but i love it. so after finding this little cafe and having some lunch we walked toward the archeological sites. but it was still early enough that we didn't want to go up to mars hill, so we went to the national garden. it was a nice garden and the sun was shining, so we decided to take naps on the park benches. it was so funny. i was awakened by lisa telling me that turtles were fighting, we went to watch. the bigger turtle was running itself into the smaller one. the bigger one then was biting the neck of the smaller one. then the big one got on top of the little one and began making some strange noises, we are convinced they were mating and all of a sudden i felt like i shouldn't watch it, especially with a creepy greek dude watching it with us. then we went onward toward the sites. we stopped outside the gates of the old olympic site, the temple of zeus, the theatre of dionysos, the acropolis and finally made our way to the top of mars hill, the very place where Paul made his address to the "Men of Athens" in Acts 17. we watched the sunset over Athens from this incredible vantage point. so we returned to our hotel through the bustling streets of athens. then sunday morning we went to the international church. it was good, fun to see so many people from so many cultures worshipping together. after the service we briefly met a few of the stinters here. then we were off again to see this city (we got to see all of the archeological sites for free, because in the off-season on sundays, they are all open). we grabbed lunch at another cafe on a busy street, then headed straight for the acropolis, on the way we bumped into hadrian's library and roman agora, so we stopped in. then up the hill to the acropolis. we took pictures next to pretty much every ancient column in the city. it was fun, but now there are a lot of pictures of each of us standing by ourselves in front of some old marble stuff, we got a few pictures together though thanks to the mono-pod. its amazing to be at the top of the city on the acropolis because you can see the whole city, the mountains on three sides and the ocean on the last side. also very fortified in case greece has any enemies :) our last site to see was the filopappou hill. this was amazing to see the acropolis from another high spot in athens. then we hiked back down the hill in search for some good food. we stopped by many little restaurants, but just weren't feeling them. we walked around this busy little corner to find a small, fairly vacant restaurant. it seemed to have some stuff that looked good so we sat down, ordered some coffee and food. the owner was talking with another american in the patio area about how he was moving to wisconsin. we were intrigued and asked him where he was moving, turns out he is moving to a little town where a friend of ours went to college. through out the night we talked with the owner and the other american woman, it was just a nice little spot to enjoy a laid back meal. the food was excellent, as was the coffee. then the owner brought out this great greek dessert. lisa didn't love it, but i thought it was really good. it was a greek yogurt with honey. sounds strange, but it was good. then a nigerian refugee (there are lots of refugees here) came to our table and tried to sell us dvds. when the sale wasn't going well, he decided to try to flirt us into a sale. that didn't work either. in the end he walked away from our disinterest. i like this city. anyway, i recommend athens. and its fun to have a fun friend with you.

Is Jesus Enough?

So I was in church this morning and the pastor was talking about the call to discipleship. It is this series entitled "Come, Follow Me" and I'm all for following Jesus so I was looking forward to what he was going to say. The sermon was not what I was expecting, not that I know what I was expecting. The bottom line was based on two questions, the first was, is just Jesus enough, and the second, what are you holding on to that you need to set down to follow Jesus?

The first question seemed to strike something within me. So with the first question the pastor asked another question, if Jesus were not in heaven, but you got all the other things would you be happy there? and i have to admit part of me thinks that it wouldn't be bad, it wouldn't be great, but not bad. seriously, though, no illness, no death, no brokenness, no sin, no war, plenty of all the good things, lots of love, happiness, friendship, music and dancing. But I guess what I am beginning to realize, as the larger part of me says I could not be happy without Jesus, is that Jesus is what makes all those things. He puts the beauty in them, so if He were not there to make them what they are, then it would be empty. So is Jesus enough, just Jesus? if the answer is anything but yes, my entire paradigm is lost. if Jesus is not enough then I can never follow Him the way He requires. how can I lose my life, give up every hope and dream, if Jesus is not enough.

Paul writes in his 2nd letter to the Corinthians, "For all the promises of God find their Yes in him (Jesus). That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. (1:20)"

I totally recommend reading 2 Corinthians, its rocking my world.

oh and on a totally ridiculous note, go see Be Kind Rewind. This is Jack Black's new movie with Mos Def and Danny Glover, directed by Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). There is no lame romantic story line to make it marketable, there are limited special affects, it is just so different then most of what is being produced these days. The movie is feel good, funny and fresh.

sky.

i love the sky.

its so vast. the whole of space is right there above my head. here in florida there are no mountains, so it just goes on forever. i love the feeling of being really small compared to something.

i love that sometimes a cloudy sky makes me all melancholy, the sunshine makes me feel so alive, it all causes me to marvel at how great the Creator is. i love the puffy white clouds and the stars at night, sunrises and sunsets.

but i can't help but think this is the corrupt fallen version of the sky, because Paul writes in Romans 8:22 "For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now."

so this beautiful vastness that causes me to loose my breath on occasion is just a gross version of what it was supposed to be. is that possible?

i cannot even imagine the beauty that we have to behold in creation, when it is all redeemed, but even more than that, the Creator. I am looking forward to the day when we see Jesus face to face, when the veil is lifted. I want to live in light of that day.

process.

i am becoming more and more convinced that the Lord calls us to move forward on things He does not intend to bring to fruition. for example, i am convinced that God sometimes calls people to the application/interview process for a job or a graduate program that He does not want that person to actually enroll in. i say this because i think it applies to a lot of areas of life. i don't know if its cultural or if its just me, but i do not want to enter into things that take up time and energy without the ends in mind. but i am beginning to think that sometimes Jesus just wants to use circumstances as a backdrop for what He is doing in our lives.

i am thinking about this ministry that i would love to be a part of, but i am not sure if i want to do it or if the Lord wants me to do it. it seems like if He doesn't want me to be a part of this, then shouldn't He in His infinite wisdom, just let me know that it isn't for me? but then no, He doesn't do that, He even seems to prompt me to move forward. so, i move forward.

this leaves me with a question: is it all for nothing?

i lean towards saying there is great purpose in the process. but i think it might be in more than just the job/education search.

i just think that process can be such an incredible time to seek the face of Jesus and that's pretty much the point. i am learning to be okay living in the gray of life because it is giving me incredible opportunity to look upon what God is doing and how He is doing it. so all in all i'm thankful for the time of process.

so i guess what i am saying is that i want to enter into process with my whole self. i have to believe that He is the one who is pushing me into these processes and i have to hope that the risk is worth it.

i guess the whole point of this blog is i don't like risk. i don't want to risk because it leaves me hurt and i have to believe that Jesus can take care of my hurt.

can He?

violence.

can you point out one instance in the four Gospels when Jesus allows or supports violence?
please let me know if you find one.
thanks.