back in indiana

so new staff training is over and now i am full-time raising support. i want to be excited about that, but its definitely an adjustment to be back at my grandma's house. i think if there were a specific and guaranteed leave date i would be able to adjust better.
i was super optomistic while i was in orlando about the amount of time it would take to raise all the support, but now i'm back in reality and see that it might be a longer stint here in the hoosier state.
but i'm pretty well convinced that the Lord has me here for a reason, i'm not sure what yet, but i think it'll probably be super hard, but super awesome. i feel like that's a theme with me and Jesus.
so i've got lots of appointmens, which is really fun. and i'm going to weddings and seeing people in different towns to talk about life and ministry, so that's cool.
i also hope to blog more often. mostly for myself and if anyone reads that might be cool.
i'm working on a post that needs to be handled carefully i think, it started about a book, but has turned into something else. i hope to put it up soon. but who knows.
so that's the update.
if you live in or around indiana, lets hang out. i need friends.

question.

denominationalism: extra-Biblical or unbiblical? what do you think?

life at rollins

I have been in Winter Park for 9 days, but it feels like its been longer (in such a good way). I am taking some fun classes. I love that we get to learn about doctrine and theology. Pretty much I get to hang out with Jesus and call it homework.
There has been a lot of work, but I have really enjoyed most of it.
I love that I get to be here with a bunch of other awesome people, it has been such a joy to get to know these people.

the thing that i cannot get over is the reality of the mystery of the Gospel. we have been studying Ephesians pretty hard core, but the striking thing has been how radical it was for Paul to say that the Gospel is for everyone. the power of Christ is able to cross over all boundary lines, God is able to do all things. i am continually awed at the greatness of His majesty and at His ability to do anything. i want to continue to believe Him for all things, knowing He is the author and perfecter of my faith, that He is the one who works out all things.

my prayer is that my life will be lived radically, not because i don't want a boring existence, but because there is something worth radically living for. my hope is that i will have my eyes so fixed on Jesus that i cannot help but to do the things He did. and lets get serious, He lived so radically.

Jesus, help me to love deeply, to be bold and kind, just as Christ is a lion-like Lamb and a lamb-like Lion. Jesus, help me to be like You.

today's the day

I move to Winter Park today, to start a new chapter of my life as a woman on staff.
weird.

its the melancholy talking

just a side note, sometimes, especially in writing, i can be a little emo.
i think its helpful to be able to write it out, so sometimes, i'm a little sad in my head and getting it out in blogland is good for me.
but i'm doing really great.
really.
in fact tonight i put pink hightlights in my hair. its a throw back to 2005 as pictured above.
hopefully soon there will be pictures of the current pink hair.
okay. peace. (that's cuz i'm hip hop)

i am astonished at how little it takes to stir up things of old.

why do i keep hoping that one of these days i am going to wake up and not be sad that my mom's gone?
do i really think that it works that way?
they say all wounds heal with time, but the mere mention of a random remark that just catches my heart a certain way and i'm all sorts of melancholy.
how is it possible that it feels more painful now then it did?

we were not made for this.

there will be blood

on saturday night i watched the movie "there will be blood" and i cannot stop thinking about it. but you know a movie is good when you can't get it out of your head. it was really deep and sad and dark. there is something in that darkness that mirrors the darkness that i have known, in my own life and in the world around me. its this ambition, which in our culture is the most highly respected characteristic of the sinful nature. this ambition steals from the main character any real chance he has at happiness.
one of the things that most affected me in this film is that daniel day lewis plays an exaggerated version of me, well not me specifically, but the universal me, humanity. this film seems to drudge up what is inside of people. we as humans long for control, wealth and respect. lewis' character single-mindedly went after being the best oil-man, at whatever cost.
i guess the reason i am still thinking about this movie is because i could so easily be that person. selfish ambition could very easily be the driving force of my life. my life plan was in fact to "make it". there is still this drive, but who i am is no longer determined by my success. even more, i am now freed from having to prove myself by my success. i am proved entirely by Jesus, His work on this earth and His completion on the cross.
i sometimes forget, or want to forget, the reality that people are bad. i want to believe in the goodness of people. but i know my own heart, i know that with out Jesus i am just bad. and that is the reality of all people.
somehow i find myself coming back to the Gospel from almost every encounter i have with popular culture.
if you can stomach it, watch "there will be blood".