seeing things i've seen

to be a bird

2011-08-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

i know birds are so trendy right now, feather extensions, bird cages in the living room, chicken for dinner (haha), but my gram has always been big into birds. and over the past few years i've begun to see the beauty.

lately i've been wishing i was a bird. there are many perks.

sweet birds can flit from tree to tree, enjoying the sunshine and blue skies
or if they don't want to go anywhere they just sit on a tree limb and sing.
birds are often the symbol of peace because even in storms they stay true, and like Jesus said, they don't freak out about where they will eat or live, but they trust the Lord to care for them.
birds are usually beautiful and graceful.

so today in the midst of life, i want to be a bird, flying from place to place, living the dream, singing a song, sitting on a limb, trusting the Lord.

on side note, Steve Moakler's new album "Watching Time Run" came out today on iTunes and its really good, especially if you love acoustic pop rock, which obviously i do :)

not that good at this

2011-08-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

apparently i'm not that good at keeping a blog.
i wish that i was better at it. but i don't ever really know what to say.
the stuff that i think of to write is often super deep or its crazy shallow. so i don't know how to do it. but i'm trying. this is my attempt.

this week marks seven years since my mom passed away.
i was in a wedding last week and while i LOVE that i got to celebrate my friends forging their lives together, it is difficult for me to not think that at my own wedding the family parts will go a lot differently.

its strange to think that my mom will have never known the man that i will marry.

so much has happened in the last seven years and she hasn't been a part of any of it.

this world is broken.
we are in desperate need for a savior.
He came to make all things new.
Revelation 21:5

Only in Jesus will I hope.

a little monster brings a big smile

2011-07-06T21:58:00.001-07:00

This little monster was given to me by my sweet friend Heather.
There is this really cute store in Fort Collins called "Kansas City Kitty" and they sell these "friendly monsters".
They are adorable and have a little identification tag on them, my monster's says "hello. my names is GIDGET. i am a friendly monster. i like sushi and green tea."

so i guess my little monster would like the animé I helped produce as part of The JESUS Film Project, in association with Brethren Entertainment and Studio 4°C see it here

i'm so thankful for this little gift and the smile it brings to my face!

fourth of july fun!

2011-07-05T21:44:00.001-07:00

i'm in fort collins, co this summer.

and it is awesome. and beautiful.

i love being outside in the sunshine and seeing the mountains everyday.

i can't believe i have lived in such flat places for the last 11 years...

yesterday was the fourth of july and we took advantage of being so close to the foothills.

we climbed to the top of horsetooth (in the foothills of the rockies) and had this view:

i've never climbed to the top of anything, except maybe a roof, so to climb to the top of this tiny mountain to watch the fireworks was so great.

it was cool to see the fireworks from up top:

it was even more fun to go down the sketchy parts of the trail by flashlight :)

adventures abound.

music. and life.

2011-07-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

so i guess i haven't been keeping up my end of the bargin since i haven't been blogging. although i'm not be inundated with emails, so apparently i'm not breaking anyone's heart :)

i once heard this talk from Keith Johnson on the "music of the Gospel". he talks about how we sometimes mimic others who hear the music of the Gospel. he gives the example of someone who is dancing, listening to headphones and how another person can mimic the dance moves, even if they aren't hearing the music. Keith challenges his listeners to not just mimic, but really hear the music and so dance.

today i read this blog from ajposts.com "Science and Psalms" and it reminded me again of how much i need to continue to listen to the music.

so i am encouraged to be in colorado learning about leadership and spiritual development, but i'm also excited to take some time to listen to the music. to rest. to sabbath.

Getting Settled

2011-06-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

It's funny to think about getting settled at home when you are on vacation in California and a mere week away from 6 weeks in Colorado, but getting settled is what's on my mind.

I've lived in my current home since August, yep 10 months and I have still not hung shelves and have a couple boxes yet to be unpacked.
How is that possible?
I think it's because I'm a little afraid of getting settled. What if I unpack and just have to move again? Or worse what if I unpack and settle in and my life is still the same?

I think I like the idea that I can leave at any moment. I like the idea that I could pack my stuff,say goodbye, and be out.

I think part of my enjoyment of the nomadic lifestyle is that it is a great excuse for things not being quite what I would hope they might be.

Leaving town every other month makes it okay that sometimes I have single serving friendships. It also makes it okay that I'm a little bit of a mess---piles on the floor are alright if you run in and out of your house.

So, by faith, I'm moving in. When I get back in august, I am moving in.
Hanging shelves, hanging pictures, unpacking, getting flowers to pot. I'm thinking about a chandelier of some sort. I might even get a sewing machine. And if in a year I do move away it won't have been a waste to get set up. It will have created a place of refuge and comfort for me and hopefully others.

So, now it's in writing, I'd better do it. In August I'll post pictures, to prove it :)

An art adventure

2011-06-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

So I'm thinking pretty seriously about signing up for this thing called "the sketchbook project" () I'm not a wonderful artist, but I like to do it.

Is the point of sharing art for the sheer enjoyment of the loveliness of the piece or is it about sharing a part of the artist. Enjoying a shared human experience, appreciating the way we experience the world?

So maybe I'll do a sketchbook. That'd be pretty rad.

Speaking of art...I'm currently sitting in the Salt Lake City airport and the view here is beautiful. The mountains here look so serene and magnificent. I guess I should put Utah on my list of places to visit. Breathtaking. Creation really is the best illustration of beauty and somehow of truth too.

It seems like truth and beauty go together, I like that.

airplane ride

2011-06-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

i have been on a lot of planes in the last couple weeks, in fact i have spent 46 hours on 10 of them and tomorrow I get on two more...it can't be that healthy to be on 14 planes in 2 weeks, can it? but really weird stuff happens when you are traveling and funny stuff and funny stuff that wasn't funny at the time but is probably funny now :)

i love it, so i'm not complaining.

i also drove to Pittsburgh two and a half weeks ago and am driving to Colorado in a week and a half, man that's a lot of miles

but i was reminded by this blog of a story that i want to share.

i was on my way out of central asia and on this smaller plane, not even affiliated with a major airline...so you know its a bit sketchy.

i get my ticket and see its an aisle seat [now i'm used to having status which kind of makes me a little carnal and snobby about travel]. i board the plane, find my seat and my heart sinks when i see that the man sitting in the window seat is the size of the Rock, as in Dwayne Johnson. he is a huge man. and his bicep definitely comes about 6 inches over into my seat.

so i squeeze in, kind of sit forward so as to not touch this man. before we even take off i'm so frustrated in my heart that i'm praying that this flight won't take off and we will have to be on a different flight or something.

which is crazy, don't ever pray for travel delays when you have 3 more connections that day.

any way i'm super frustrated by giant arms and he is not even making an effort to stay in his assigned area. we take off and i'm fuming. eventually he adjusts for a second and i ninja my arm back there. so finally i feel like, okay i can make this happen, i can get through the rest of the flight. i was feeling a little nauseous, but i thought that was because i had no personal space.

but then i see, giant arms has a clear pepsi bottle that he's spitting into. the guy is totally chewing tobacco. its the smell that makes me want to puke, probably mixed with the fact that i had no personal space. and now i've seen it.

that's just rude.

at least get a bottle that i can't see through.

when i finally got off that flight, i was relieved and when i boarded my next flight, which was 8 hours long, i was happy to see a normal sized man was my seat buddy.

its the little things

2011-06-06T21:36:00.001-07:00

i've found something i really enjoy: letterpress stationary

image found here: http://www.lintcoat.com/cards/paperwheels-letterpress-cards

I think its something about the texture, it is just beautiful.

also, isn't that card adorable, it makes me want to do something wrong, so i can send it :)

Blogging More

2011-05-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

I set really strange goals for myself
For example, this year I said I wanted to wear high heels and lipstick once a week this year. And it has been so fun to do that.
I also said, I want to run a sprint triathlon and guess what, I did it!
So I'm what some would call tenacious. I've decided that I want to set that tenacity to a new goal:
To blog more.
I don't know who reads this, if anyone. And even if people used to read it, I've been slacking for 6 months, so you might not still be reading it :)
But I don't think readership is the point of blogging.
My journal is filled with emotion and depth of this particular time in my life, but the silliness and random things are not quite captured and definitely not shared, so while I have tended to write deepish stuff, now I'm just going to put whatever up here.
The new rule is that there are no rules. So maybe there will be pictures of adventures and stories of funny airport interactions. Maybe there will be stuff I'm learning through books and articles. Maybe there will be culinary adventures or even pictures I've taken. Some art might show up. And there just might be some depth too.
I was told that setting goals have to be quantifiable in order to find success, so my goal is to write a new post once a week. Beginning the week of June 5, because I'm about to board a plane to a place where I won't have Internet for two weeks.

So no blog the next two weeks, but also no high heels and lipstick :)

check out these blogs :)

2011-05-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

I’m posting this to enter a contest offered by MeridaHome at Design For Mankind! I want to win the iPad 2! (and I love Erin’s shoes!)

erin's blog is amazing, if you love any kind of design, you'll love it!
i always feel inspired after checking out the beauty on her site :)
and erin is fantastic, just as a person.

anticipation

2010-12-17T13:05:00.001-08:00

Isn't it interesting, sometimes the anticipation of a great event can be more important than the event itself. Even that this event itself can feel somewhat of a let down. Is that why the ideas of eternity are so elusive? Is that why the idea of the intangible becoming tangible is exhilarating and at the same time terrifying?

I have read and know in the bottom of my being that eternity will be overwhelmingly wonderful, but there is, of course, fear. What if it is not as lovely as one hopes? I do believe and hope in the Hebrews 11 sense, that it will be as CS Lewis writes in "The Great Divorce" not less real than this world, but somehow more real. The word picture that stands out most, is the idea that the very grass is so real that it will cut your feet. I often think of eternity as a ghostly place, ethereal and weird, but somehow wonderful. But I love the idea that CS Lewis perpetrates that this life is in fact less real than the realness of true life experienced in eternity, where there is no hindrance between the true, unfettered glory of God and me. It seems that it must be this way, because there will no longer be me and my sin to get in the way, but the whole ness of life, how it was meant to be, forever, into eternity.

Thinking about eternity in these terms makes me long for it, but somehow I still do fear that I will be let down, but surely it cannot be because my shallow finite mind can only think of so much greatness and eternity will be filled with the unfathomable greatness of the Glory of God Himself.

have we been inoculated with the Gospel?

2010-10-18T21:48:00.001-07:00

We have just enough exposure of the Christian narrative that the truth of Christ just doesn't change our lives. It doesn't seem radical, because we have "heard" it so many times, but are we really listening? We cannot see the radical nature of life change, because we have been so lightly exposed to the water down "moralistic" ideology of the Christian nation ethic. But merely setting up a society that acknowledges some idea of a monotheistic deity does not make a Christian nation, it cannot bring the reality of who Jesus is. It cannot radically change everything. Legislating morality will only continue to confuse the issue. We keep telling the lie that you can create some good enough version of heaven on earth. Many people have a really hard time answering the question,"if you could go to heaven without Jesus being there, would you be happy to be there?" There is no heaven apart from Christ. Jesus says "and this is eternal life, that you may know God, and Jesus Christ whom He has sent." we mustn't cling to a good life, an easy life, a moral life, but a radical life. A life that calls us to die for the sake of our enemies and to lay everything down so that we might walk closely with Jesus. That our lives would overflow the full scale onset of the Gospel. That you couldn't interact with the Gospel with out it killing you, your flesh, and making you TRULY alive in the only way we can be truly aIive, in Him, in Jesus.

real life is only found in one place. as counter intuitive as it may seem, that place is in death. in the death of Jesus and even more in the resurrection. but it has to change you...not because we have to change to get "in" with God, but because once we are "in" with God, by His great mercy, change happens. "it is for freedom that Christ has set you free"

Are Christians really jerks?

2010-08-04T11:14:00.000-07:00

Christians are called to be the best kinds of humans; we are supposed to be humble and loving. Our lives are to be marked by Love.

Like the true, true kind of love.

It breaks my heart that people associate Christians with jerks. But I don't know that "people" across the board do. Yes, we all know there are some who poorly misrepresent Jesus and the Way. But I came to know the Lord because of Christians' kindness and their care for me.

Instead of defending or criticizing the outliers who make Christians look like idiots, we should be active in our communities to love people, to be the best kind of neighbors. We should lay down our lives. If all of us who are tired of being misrepresented by holier than though angry types we could use our energy to be Jesus kind of people.

People talk a lot about Christians being hypocrites, but the beauty of Christianity is that there should be no hypocrisy because by following Jesus, we are already saying I am terrible, I am a sinner, I deserve death---BUT Jesus did this amazing thing! Let me tell you what Jesus did and even more; let me tell you what Jesus is doing. He is making a broken thing (me) new. I wonder if I sought unity instead of division and feared God more than man, would we make a difference.

Sometimes it feels like people are waiting for “some leader” to do something, but there are a lot of faithful people making a difference. What if instead of looking for someone to make “those who misrepresent you” behave differently, you just were faithful. What if I was just faithful and humble and honest? Would the world notice? Could we really change the world?

I think we could.

count the cost.

2009-12-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

i'm flying over the rocky mountains right now. headed home.
i am excited to get home. excited to spend time with friends. get work done. live my regular life.
as i sit in this chair, i can't help but think everything is going to be different. i can feel the winds of change shifting in my own heart. i am compelled to begin the hard work, i am convinced it is time to leave adolescence and become an adult. i am ready to stop drinking milk and start eating the solid food of the Gospel.
this week i got to hang out with my two year old nephew (who by the way is adorable and awesome) and the thing that i noticed is that while he can and does eat real people food, he still wants to drink a bottle. it's not the milk, but the bottle. and i can't help but think that i am so much like my sweet little nephew.
i think i am afraid to leave what i know, afraid to be responsible, afraid to be an adult.
now for you that know me, you are probably shocked at that little statement. i am generally responsible. but that is in my actions, in my physical life, in the life i can control.
but where it is difficult is in my spiritual life. i fear going past the safety of childhood, because i know what is out there is 100% out of my control and i know it is a difficult journey. i prefer to stay here where i can seem good, than go out there where i can fail. where God can take my life and do all sorts of crazy things and i could end up in a situation i can't control. i could lose everything. but first i have to know what i have. first i have to have something that could be lost.
paul writes, " i count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. for his sake i have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that i may gain Christ." paul knew what he was talking about. but he had to venture into adulthood in order to lose everything to gain the One thing, JESUS.
i want that. i believe that is absolutely true. i believe that Jesus is everything. i believe He is the only place you can find life. i stake my life on that. now i need to live it. fully. completely. sacrificing everything.

thanksgiving.

2009-11-19T06:29:00.000-08:00

i made my first ever turkey on tuesday, it was delicious. i'm going to have to start making "traditional" meals more often. there seems to be a reason why they are traditions :)

hope you have a happy thanksgiving.

i'll be spending mine where i grew up in southern california.

crush on the world

2009-10-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

I’ve never really believed that the world had all that much to offer. Therefore, I used to think that all religion was a manmade attempt to believe in something “bigger”, so that we lowly mortals might find purpose in this unkind, lonely universe. Such an optimist, I know. But then I started hearing more and more about Jesus, and what’s more I met some people who claimed to follow Him. At first I thought these people were great, some of the best kind of people, but they were clearly fooled into believing this great cultural myth about Jesus. But as I heard and read more about the Bible and Jesus Himself, I became irrevocably convinced that Jesus is in fact who He says He is.
One of the most compelling arguments for me was made by legendary British author, C.S. Lewis. He basically says that Jesus is either a liar—like a devil of hell, Lord—which is who He claims to be, or a lunatic—with the same mental capacity as one who claims to be a piece of toast. No great moral teacher could falsely claim to be God Himself and still be known as a great moral teacher. Neither could a loony have the kind of historical credibility that Jesus has. So by my great powers of deduction Jesus must be Lord—just as He claims in the Bible.
As a Christian now, my entire world is shaped by the reality of the person of Jesus and the unequivocal authority of Scripture. And although my whole world changed, and I do mean my whole world, one thing has remained the same. I’m still not convinced the world has much to offer. The Psalmist writes it most eloquently, “Who have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides you.” (73:25). Not everyone necessarily believes this about the world; in fact I would say that the majority of Americans live as though the world owes them something. They instinctively believe that things can and even should go well for them. Comedian Louis CK went on Conan O’Brien and did an entire segment about how we have everything, but all we do is complain (you should watch it, its hilarious).
It’s because we as humans have a tendency to have a crush on the world. Yes, you read that correctly, a crush on the world. When you have a crush on a person everything he does is somehow awesome and probably an indication that he can’t live without you. We do the same thing with the world. When stuff goes wrong it’s an exception and every positive interaction means that I can be fully satisfied by the world. The problem with crushes is that they tend to hurt. If they didn’t they would probably be called something else. It must be all the manifest destiny crap we learned in grade school from School House Rock because most of us walk around as though we still live in the Garden of Eden with only minor hiccups to disrupt our otherwise picturesque world. Hello, have you taken a look outside your little world?!?! This world is desperately falling apart at the seams. Not that I mean to be all doom and gloom, but seriously why is anyone surprised when things don’t go according to plan. We should be surprised when they do!
The truth is when Adam and Eve ate from that infamous tree everything changed. The world broke. It was no longer under the consistent protection and care of the Loving Creator. Not that God took off; He just (in His infinitely perfect and sovereign plan) allowed Satan to run rampant. Paul refers to Satan as the “god of this world” who “has blinded the minds of the unbelievers” in 2 Corinthians 4:4. He also writes in Romans 8:20-21, “For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that itself will be set free from its bondage of decay and obtain the freedom of glory of the children of God.” So if even the trees are aware that things are off, you’d think we might have gotten the same hint. The world is jacked up. Yet somehow we continue to believe the lie that it can satisfy. I’m not surprised though that most people have crushes on the world. Despite the hard evidence that things are broken (poverty, disease, war, destruction), we were made for perfection, we were made for Eden.
And nature was not the only thing discombobulated in the fall, people were too. Instead of trusting God implicitly, we began to trust our own thinking to find truth. With a little help from that darn serpent, Adam and Eve convinced themselves that they knew better than God. As soon as they chose to do things their own way, they became their own little gods; it was the beginning of the first and deepest sin, one that penetrates every heart -- Idolatry. And less than one chapter later in the Biblical timeline idolatry turned into murder when Cain killed Abel. You can see how the fall had real consequences on the way we live and treat one another. So we have this deep longing for perfection, but live in a fallen world, full of fallen people and we ourselves are fallen…that doesn’t seem like such a great situation, because it isn’t. All of this causes us to want to believe that things can be great; the world can be everything it’s supposed to be. Because we want it to be true we are inclined to believe the advertisements that suggest a new car will change my whole life or that energy drink will give me the abilities I’ve always desired (and probably deserve).
We want the world to work for us, we want to never be cut off in traffic, we want to find the perfect sweater on the clearance rack, we want to meet the person who bring fulfillment to our lives, and we want to win the lottery. Things are simply not this way. If you’re nice you won’t always get what’s coming to you, if you work hard you won’t always be rewarded. Your life probably won’t be easy. Conflict and trial are a part of the human condition. When the author of Hebrews wanted to convey Jesus’ humanity he wrote, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin” (4:15). The author did not write, “We know His humanity because just like us, everything went well for Him.” If that were the case we wouldn’t need Jesus. There would be no need for redemption. But there is.
It is clear that we desperately need redeeming. God always knew that Adam and Eve would choose to disobey Him and eat the fruit, and He had a plan to bring His people back to Him. See God is holy, without an imperfection and cannot by His nature be with sinful people. We were made to be in relationship with God, so in order for us to have that relationship with God we have to get rid of our sin. Romans 6:23 says that what we owe for our sin is death. The only way for our sin to be paid for is to be “purchased” by death. Isaiah 53:5 speaks of Jesus saying, “But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.” When a man dies his death pays what is owed for his own sin. He will spend eternity paying, separated from all of God’s goodness. Because Jesus never sinned He didn’t owe anything when He died, so His death is sufficient to cover all the sins of the world. This is and has always been God’s plan of redemption. Every person who confesses with their mouth and believes with their heart that Jesus is Lord and that God raised Him from the dead will be covered by Jesus’ death.
You might be asking the question, “If Christians have been made right with God through Jesus shouldn’t the world go well for them?” Good question. The answer is no. The entire New Testament continues to repeat what Jesus says in John 16:33, “In this world you will have trouble” Maybe even more trouble than those who choose not to follow Jesus. Jesus says harsh things like, “I am sending you out as sheep among wolves,” “Whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me,” “Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it,” (Matthew 10: 16, 38, 39). The truth for us as believers is we are going to face many trials and persecution. Peter encourages us in his first epistle, “Behold, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed” (4:12-13). Not only will we suffer, maybe even die for the sake of the Gospel, but we are to do it joyfully.
Paul writes a letter to the church at Philippi while he is in jail yet the major theme of this letter is joy. Clearly this joy in the midst of suffering is not some sadomasochistic worldview, but it is the lifestyle of someone who sees purpose and has grander vision. In Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians he writes, “For this slight and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (4:17). Throughout the book of Acts we read over and over of Paul’s near death shipwrecks, beatings and imprisonment—that doesn’t seem very slight and momentary. It isn’t that these things aren’t a big deal or that we should suck it up and deal with what’s thrown at us, but the significant part of what Paul is writing is that this world is getting us ready for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison! Heaven! Eternity with God forever—no sin, death—just perfection, can you even imagine? The lie we believe is that things are supposed to be good here and now, so even though they are not, we settle for today. We convince ourselves that the world is really going to come through for me. Instead of putting all our energy toward making this reality easy for us, we should be working out things that have eternal significance. It is said that only three things are eternal—God, His Word, and the souls of men. Rather than looking to see how we might benefit from the world we should seek to know God, His Word, and to love people like Jesus does. We should stop having a crush on the world—it’ll never work out anyway—and work toward the one relationship that changes everything. It may cost your life, but it’s the only way to true life everlasting.

in America.

2009-09-17T13:41:00.001-07:00

i'm in America for a while.
though not at home. i'm leaving for Shreveport, LA to work on a film set!
hooray!
things have been crazy, but good here and i'm excited about the prospect of having the same address for a little while.
its good to be home.

keeping tabs on my life.

2009-07-15T08:23:00.001-07:00

i feel like i've been all over the place, that's probably because i have :)
i returned from Central Asia 10 days ago and leave for Colorado on Monday, then return july 30. just in time to move into a new house (with a pool!). then August 11 i have to be in West Africa.

so my life's a little crazy, just the way I like it :)

jon hainstock.

2009-05-21T20:31:00.000-07:00

you probably need to check this out.
jon hainstock
http://vimeo.com/4193314

he's a friend of mine from college and one of the most talented people i know.
so buy his record, then buy another one to give to a friend.

www.jonhainstock.com

gyms.

2009-04-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

the problem with working out in a gym is that you can go for miles and miles and never get anywhere.
you might swim laps in a pool, but still walk to your car the same distance from whence you parked it.
you might kick it on a stationary bike if the weather is icky and stil have gone literally no where.
or a treadmill, sweating your life away, breathing so heavily and go nowhere.
all this to say, no matter how hard you work, you don't get anywhere.
but that's kind of the way life is.
somehow there is a metaphor here.

favorite new song

2009-04-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

Where I Belong by Cory Asbury & Matt Gillman

Your presence is all I am longing for, here in the secret place
Your nearness is all I am waiting for, here in the quiet place
Here in the secret place

My soul waits for You alone
Like the watchmen wait for dawn
Here I’ve finally found a place
Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face

I’ve finally found where I belong
I’ve finally found where I belong, in Your presence
I’ve finally found where I belong, it’s to be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine
So come into Your garden and take delight in me, take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me
Delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest
Here in Your presence, God
check it out: http://www.myspace.com/coryasbury

light out.

2009-04-07T07:29:00.000-07:00

so i was driving home the other night, from the airport. it was night and i was ready to get home. so as i am driving, i also am catching up on the phone calls. so i'm talking with bridget and all of a sudden i see lights flashing in my rearview mirror. i look at my speed-o-meter and i'm totally not speeding. i pull over and the officer taps on my passanger window (this has never happened to me), having manual windows, i lean over to the passanger side and roll it down. he says to me "did you know that your license plate light is out?" and i say "no, i'm so sorry." and he asked "where are you coming from?" and i said "i just flew back to town and i'm just going home." and he says, "are your arms tired?" to which i reply "no, what do you mean?" (i thought maybe i had been holding the steering wheel incorrectly) and he says "oh, i guess you came on a plane." and i couldn't believe he was making jokes. i don't know why that bothers me, but whenever i am pulled over, i always feel really tense and like i'm in trouble so making jokes doesn't work in my paradigm.

so if cops joke with you, laugh, i think it will make them feel better.

march madness.

2009-03-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

i love march madness because for three weeks i can be really into basketball. when the truth is, i don't really understand the sport, nor do i follow it the rest of the season. its just so fun! i like that i get to pick who i think will win and talk smack, even though i don't know anything.

2009-03-01T14:17:00.001-08:00

the first try at using fondant. it went alright...i'll have to get some more practice.

here's one for march madness :)

cake decorating.

2009-02-24T18:44:00.000-08:00

i am learning new cake decorating techniques.
and i'm loving it.
i am going to be doing a dozen cupcakes with fondant...maybe i'll put pictures up here.
the only problem is, i have no one to eat them. i'll have to find some people to eat them.
but i'm excited to work on cakes again. i really like it.

if i write a book...

2009-02-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

my gram gave me a great title for a book i should write called "why we go where we aren't wanted"

she said i should write it because so many people in my family don't understand why i go places where i'm not wanted.

i told her the short answer is because people need to hear about the Truth about Jesus and everlasting life. so we go places we aren't invited, just like Jesus did.

i am so thankful that i get to go places where people have never heard the name of Jesus and i get to show people how they can know the Living God.

so maybe i should write this little book about why we go where we aren't wanted.

tv watching

2009-01-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

i really like house. i don't know why but i hope my doctor is a jerk, because then he's probably a really good doctor.
ever since i started watching the show every time i get a weird twitch or headache behind my right eye i think i have some ridiculous disease. so its kind of making me paranoid.
and now my gram watches a lot of ncis and csi, so she keeps wanting to pick up strings and twigs and put them in plastic bags, just in case there was a crime.

its really cold here, so we don't like leaving the house much.

the rope.

2009-01-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

i'm standing on a precipice, yet there is no fear. i'm going to jump, but i'm attached. i've got a rope. it feels like i'm on a new cliff in this mountain adventure. i'm not sure if we will be going up or down, but i know i'm going. and i know i'm not going alone. but that i will end up somewhere i never could have dreamed of.

all i know is that rope has to be a sure thing. and i have to trust it implicitly. and i know that this adventure is it. its going to be the story of my life and this rope is my lifeline.

if you aren't picking up on it, there are spiritual undertones.
jesus is the rope. and its awesome. but would be totally unsafe without that rope. this life is not be done without that rope.

its time.

2008-12-29T00:02:00.000-08:00

i've been doing some thinking. i am convinced that there is something major brewing. you know how you can sometimes feel it when a storm is coming. i am seeing how with the Church there is something coming.

it is time to stand and fight. it is time to say there will be no half-lies in the church. it is time to stand firm and stand only on the solid rock of Christ. its time we stop being so tolerant to lies in the church, as if that's what Jesus would want us to do.

we absolutely must be full of grace, as Christ is, but what good is it for a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? if our souls are eternal, if our relationship with Christ is the most important and primary thing in our lives and if lies disrupt that relationship, then we must stand against every lie.

the best lies are laced with truth. don't be deceived. take up the full armor of God and fight against the principalities of darkness, ephesians 6. READ the BIBLE. Believe the Words of Truth. For where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Freedom (2 cor 3:17) and the Truth shall set you free (john 8:32). discern. learn to use that brain the Lord gave you. do not look to yourself to find truth, because "the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" jer. 17:9

the lie has been the same from the beginning "you will be like God" but you will not be like God, you were created to know Him, to be in relationship with Him, you were created to serve Him. that is the only place that TRUE LIFE is found. "now this is eternal life: that you know You the only true God and Jesus Christ whom He has sent." John 17:3

Ball State Football and the undefeated non-BCS teams

2008-11-11T06:21:00.000-08:00

i like to keep up to date on my alma matter's football team. i fell in love with college football in college. i didn't care about any teams, but my little team. we were awful. most of the fans in the student section would leave well before the game was over. but the faithful few, including me, would stay until the end. we would hope that they would pull one last play that we could cheer and yell for, they often did although it merely put a dent in the oh so large gap between their winning and our losing. but despite all that right after i graduated a new quarterback started playing, he was freshman and he was good. there had been a couple new guys the year before at wide receiver and tight end. so three years ago, my senior year, the offense was starting to really come together. well this year is kind of the culmination of all that. and now we're ranked for the first time in history ball state is a ranked school. today we stand at 14 in the BCS standing. tonight we play against miami university in oxford, oh. but there are still so many who question whether we have earned a spot in coveted bowl game, and not just ball state, but utah and boise state as well. granted our schedule isn't as difficult as an SEC schedule, but i think if we continue this momentum through the last three games of the season, then we deserve to play in that arena.
because its a tremendous thing to go undefeated and it should be rewarded. schedules are often set twelve to twenty four months before it actually happens. and in the case of ball state, there is no way two years ago anyone would have seen an undefeated season coming. i contend that ball state, boise state and utah could hold their own, and its a shame that people would rather see the "haves" play in bowl games, who have not been successful, than the "have nots" play in a once in a lifetime arena. i think about those players, who only have four years to play, with only a few going on to national glory, and those players who have worked so hard to be undefeated, shouldn't they have a chance to play in "real" football. who knows they might just surprise you.
chirp. chirp.

i never know how to title these.

2008-11-02T17:03:00.000-08:00

halloween, a time for ghouls, ghosts and dressing up. but somehow it makes me so sad. have you "A Perfect World"? it was a movie with Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood, in it Costner kidnaps a little Jehovah's Witness boy and they weirdly become friends, that's not the point. the point is, there is a scene where the little boy who is kidnapped gets to celebrate his first halloween, he dresses up as casper the friendly ghost. and there is something in that scene that i remember as being so sad. i saw that movie when it came out in 1993 and haven't seen is since. but i always think of seeing that little boy's masked casper face around halloween time.
this was my first halloween at home since i graduated from college, and also my first halloween at home where my mom wasn't sitting on the front porch dressed like a pumpkin handing out candy to kids. i didn't realize how difficult it would be here in decatur, without her. the strangest things remind me of her.
today there was a woman in the library when i was there who has some sort of disability and she was so much like my mom. i almost started crying right there.
well, i guess all you ever get is super-melancholy.

MUST READ

2008-10-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

i think everyone should read the book "Why We're Not Emergent (By Two Guys Who Should Be)" by DeYoung and Kluck. It explores and explains the emerging/emergent ideas and critiques them in a fair way. I love that they quote from actual authors, not paraphrasing, I think it makes for less exaggerating. i just think its good and worth the time. its a pretty easy read yet thoughtful.

in other news. i'm trying to become a temp. i'm pretty sure i'm qualified, but i'm having trouble getting a job :( also, becoming a sub has been the bane of my existence.

and its fall here, which is so lovely. but if i'm still in indiana when it starts snowing, i may not be so happy. yea right, i'll probably like that too. or maybe i'll be playing outside in the sunshine in florida :)

family.

2008-09-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

i never realized how difficult my family situation is to communicate until recently. a friend wanted to know more about the way i grew up and with whom, i guess i've always known it was hard to explain, but for the first time i'm realizing that its not normal. i also have been realizing that i share about my family chronologically, not in age but in who i lived with when or who was around at a particular time.
i share my life by geography and decades because there is very little cohesion between the "eras" of my life.

i was looking at pictures of my mom today, i'm trying to put together an album for my nephew of my mom's side of the family. i miss my mom, a lot. i was so relieved when she died, it was like a weight was lifted, i didn't have to watch her die anymore. but now i miss her. i wish i had known her, that i could ask her questions. she's never going to meet her grand children, she never met my brother's wife. she's never going to meet the man i marry. i'm just sad i never got to share life with her, i'm sad that i was still a sulking teenager when she died, i wish she could know the woman i am becoming. i think she'd be proud to be my mom.

i finally figured out how to put pictures up

2008-09-06T09:52:00.001-07:00

my adorable nephew, bryce. he is precious.

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my sister gave me a make over, that was fun.

okay well that was fun.

i dante love ball state football

2008-08-28T21:26:00.000-07:00

i love the fall.
tonight i went to my little brother's high school band preview night. it was so strange to be back at my old high school. i felt like awkward 15 year old again. its strange that my little brother is now an awkward 15 year old. the reality of my leaving is finally hitting me. now that i'm older i am seeing the things that i miss out on. this whole trip has been so great though. there are so really hard things, but its good to just kind of live life for a couple weeks with them. but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't looking forward to seeing friends.
but these are the reasons i love the fall:
1. ball state football, namely dante love, nate davis, darius hill
2. cooler weather, but not cold
3. leaves changing color
4. back to school supplies
5. life feels a little more like a return to normal after the summer.

a little less than a week left to enjoy the beauty of life in this place. i'm going to keep trusting in the Lord and He will show how awesome He is.

california here i come

2008-08-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

i have many thoughts, generally about books, that will appear in this space in the not to distant future. but i have been busy. between going to weddings, raising support, and that darn michael phelps (and the other olympic athletes) i barely sleep anymore.

but i am making way to california, the journey begins tomorrow and will end at 9:55pm California time on thursday. you might think i was going to asia, but no, just across the country. oh well, cheap flying is cheap flying.

i'm excited/nervous to see my family. its been a while and i don't really know what to expect. its been 8 years since i have been home for more than a week and i'm taking two. i'll also be there on the anniversary of my mom's death. but all in all i think its going to be good. i think the Lord has good things for me and has gone before me in this adventure, like He does.

one day i intend to write a real post, but for now, this is all i've got.

back in indiana

2008-07-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

so new staff training is over and now i am full-time raising support. i want to be excited about that, but its definitely an adjustment to be back at my grandma's house. i think if there were a specific and guaranteed leave date i would be able to adjust better.
i was super optomistic while i was in orlando about the amount of time it would take to raise all the support, but now i'm back in reality and see that it might be a longer stint here in the hoosier state.
but i'm pretty well convinced that the Lord has me here for a reason, i'm not sure what yet, but i think it'll probably be super hard, but super awesome. i feel like that's a theme with me and Jesus.
so i've got lots of appointmens, which is really fun. and i'm going to weddings and seeing people in different towns to talk about life and ministry, so that's cool.
i also hope to blog more often. mostly for myself and if anyone reads that might be cool.
i'm working on a post that needs to be handled carefully i think, it started about a book, but has turned into something else. i hope to put it up soon. but who knows.
so that's the update.
if you live in or around indiana, lets hang out. i need friends.

question.

2008-06-30T21:31:00.001-07:00

denominationalism: extra-Biblical or unbiblical? what do you think?

life at rollins

2008-06-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have been in Winter Park for 9 days, but it feels like its been longer (in such a good way). I am taking some fun classes. I love that we get to learn about doctrine and theology. Pretty much I get to hang out with Jesus and call it homework.
There has been a lot of work, but I have really enjoyed most of it.
I love that I get to be here with a bunch of other awesome people, it has been such a joy to get to know these people.

the thing that i cannot get over is the reality of the mystery of the Gospel. we have been studying Ephesians pretty hard core, but the striking thing has been how radical it was for Paul to say that the Gospel is for everyone. the power of Christ is able to cross over all boundary lines, God is able to do all things. i am continually awed at the greatness of His majesty and at His ability to do anything. i want to continue to believe Him for all things, knowing He is the author and perfecter of my faith, that He is the one who works out all things.

my prayer is that my life will be lived radically, not because i don't want a boring existence, but because there is something worth radically living for. my hope is that i will have my eyes so fixed on Jesus that i cannot help but to do the things He did. and lets get serious, He lived so radically.

Jesus, help me to love deeply, to be bold and kind, just as Christ is a lion-like Lamb and a lamb-like Lion. Jesus, help me to be like You.

today's the day

2008-06-17T10:34:00.001-07:00

I move to Winter Park today, to start a new chapter of my life as a woman on staff.
weird.

its the melancholy talking

2008-06-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

just a side note, sometimes, especially in writing, i can be a little emo.
i think its helpful to be able to write it out, so sometimes, i'm a little sad in my head and getting it out in blogland is good for me.
but i'm doing really great.
really.
in fact tonight i put pink hightlights in my hair. its a throw back to 2005 as pictured above.
hopefully soon there will be pictures of the current pink hair.
okay. peace. (that's cuz i'm hip hop)

2008-06-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

i am astonished at how little it takes to stir up things of old.

why do i keep hoping that one of these days i am going to wake up and not be sad that my mom's gone?
do i really think that it works that way?
they say all wounds heal with time, but the mere mention of a random remark that just catches my heart a certain way and i'm all sorts of melancholy.
how is it possible that it feels more painful now then it did?

we were not made for this.

there will be blood

2008-05-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

on saturday night i watched the movie "there will be blood" and i cannot stop thinking about it. but you know a movie is good when you can't get it out of your head. it was really deep and sad and dark. there is something in that darkness that mirrors the darkness that i have known, in my own life and in the world around me. its this ambition, which in our culture is the most highly respected characteristic of the sinful nature. this ambition steals from the main character any real chance he has at happiness.
one of the things that most affected me in this film is that daniel day lewis plays an exaggerated version of me, well not me specifically, but the universal me, humanity. this film seems to drudge up what is inside of people. we as humans long for control, wealth and respect. lewis' character single-mindedly went after being the best oil-man, at whatever cost.
i guess the reason i am still thinking about this movie is because i could so easily be that person. selfish ambition could very easily be the driving force of my life. my life plan was in fact to "make it". there is still this drive, but who i am is no longer determined by my success. even more, i am now freed from having to prove myself by my success. i am proved entirely by Jesus, His work on this earth and His completion on the cross.
i sometimes forget, or want to forget, the reality that people are bad. i want to believe in the goodness of people. but i know my own heart, i know that with out Jesus i am just bad. and that is the reality of all people.
somehow i find myself coming back to the Gospel from almost every encounter i have with popular culture.
if you can stomach it, watch "there will be blood".

and now its may

2008-05-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

i find myself doing the strangest things. for example i check daily check blogs of people i know do not currently have the capability to write new entries, yet somehow i feel the need to check, just to make sure.
there is also something that happens in me every time i flip my calender to the next month. i have this desire to do something great. at the beginning of every month, i think "this is going to be the month when something incredible is going to happen" and then when i flip to the next month, i feel a little sad that the world isn't totally different.

i think we all want to do something great, we want to be a part of something that rocks the world.
i desperately want to do something lasting and great and memorable. but i find that every time i do something i think is just so great, it doesn't last, there isn't much depth to it. but there are things i have been a part of where i have not been the driving force that are significant. the ministry i've been a part of, the ministry that i in no way have been able to create in myself, its had huge impacts on people. its ridiculously humbling to see how God uses a scared, clumsy, foolish girl like me to bring about His redemption and His life.
its like what Paul writes in Galatians 2:20 "i have been crucified with Christ. it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me. and the life i now live in the flesh i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
so i have to die, my will and desire has to die, so that real life can be lived out of my body, but Jesus, His life, has to what is lived out.
paul calls himself a bondservant a lot and one of the defining characteristics of a bondservant is that he chooses to give up his will so that the master's will is the only objective for his life. so not that i serve the Lord, but that serving the Lord is all of my life.
Jesus did this His whole life. A particular example is when Jesus is talking with the woman at the well in John 4 and his disciples go and get food and when they come back, Jesus says that He has food that they do not know about. He says "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to accomplish His work." Jesus simplemindedly did the will of the Father.
shouldn't i do the same?

its been a while

2008-04-24T06:38:00.000-07:00

a lot has been going on, maybe that's why i haven't blogged. its probably that i haven't been able to articulate what i really want to articulate. so i'm just going to let you know what i've been up to, maybe that would be interesting. i hope it is.

a little more of my future is "figured" out, i got my pre-acceptance to staff [yay!] so i will be going to training this summer. i also checked out a seminary in orlando and i really would like to go there at some point in the future. maybe start taking classes when i get back from support raising. it has opened my eyes to some new possibilities, but as i explore the idea of really doing it i get so excited. so maybe its worth considering more.

last weekend i went to peoria, il to see two of my friends/teammates get married. it was a 21 hour roadtrip with six other friends and it was a really fun whirlwind of a weekend. then i headed to indiana for a week long fun fest culminating in the joining together of two other dear friends. i have been back in muncie, the city i went to school in and i interned here.

i have only been gone a year, so a lot seems the same, but everything seems different too. i have loved getting to reconnect with friends and making new friends. but as i've talked about my year, it is even more evident to me that i made the right choice in going to orlando and that my job is the right job for me. so its been pretty fun.

but it is strange that when i get back to florida 10 of the people that were there when i left are going to be gone. i know that people leaving is a big part of the life that i have, but in light of the travel schedule being light, especially with some of these girls, i haven't really had to say long goodbyes. but that time has ended and now, we say goodbye again.

april fools

2008-04-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

i was totally going to pull a prank today. but then life happens.

someday.

and it'll be awesome.

maybe

2008-03-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

i read this book that has led me to some maybes.
We Really Do Need Each Other its a great book, by Reuben Welch. pretty easy read with great Biblical principles.
one of the ideas i love from the book is that God doesn't need us to tell Him how much we love Him (although, I think it naturally overflows out of our lives), but we can show how we trust and believe His love by the way we love others. Its like if we are convinced that our lives are caught up in Christ, then we are FREE to lay them down because we believe that they will be raised up with Him. so we can be spent loving people. seeing people. really seeing people.

we are free to love because we know that Jesus loves us.

if we don't think the love, the life will run out, then we are free to love and give life. Jesus says, "what good is it for a man to have the whole world and lose his soul?" what good is is to have life saved up when we die?

maybe saved up life is more like manna then money. maybe everyday God gives us more than enough life for the today and if we try to save some for tomorrow it will be rotten like the Israelite's manna. what if our "saved up" life won't gain interest and earn us more like a bank account, but will spoil like yesterday's manna. maybe we need to believe God when He says that He cares more for us than the sparrows and meadows which are abundantly cared for.

maybe its not just the physical, maybe its everything.

greece!

2008-03-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

i'm currently in athens, greece. and let me tell you, they are not lying when they say its breathtaking. its been a fun day and a half. people sometimes hate the play-by-play but i'm going to do it anyway, so now you've been warned. but i thinks its been a pretty unusual/funny couple days.
we arrived at the airport on saturday morning, our flight was early (like that ever happens), so our ride wasn't there to greet us, so we waited and then he came. this nice staff guy from texas left his usual saturday with the family to pick us up. he told us the things we needed to see and the areas of town that might be a little shady and even where to go to church. super helpful.
we checked in to our hotel, the pictures online give it a bit more credit than it deserves (its still really awesome and i'm so thankful to be staying here). then we decided to make good use of our day. we were told that the sunset from mars hill was amazing, so we planned our day around that. we walked up this street that has all the "galleria" shopping. carnival began this week, its the weeks leading up to Greek Orthodox Lent, so for carnival kids (and some crazy adults) dress up like princesses, pirates, cowboys, the three wise men(grown-ups), bumblebees, and other random stuff. so here we are in greece walking up this street that has random people in costumes, stray dogs sleeping where ever, native americans dancing, standing basses playing, refugees selling weird toys, the smell of sesame bread, its not what i thought of when i thought of greece. but i love it. so after finding this little cafe and having some lunch we walked toward the archeological sites. but it was still early enough that we didn't want to go up to mars hill, so we went to the national garden. it was a nice garden and the sun was shining, so we decided to take naps on the park benches. it was so funny. i was awakened by lisa telling me that turtles were fighting, we went to watch. the bigger turtle was running itself into the smaller one. the bigger one then was biting the neck of the smaller one. then the big one got on top of the little one and began making some strange noises, we are convinced they were mating and all of a sudden i felt like i shouldn't watch it, especially with a creepy greek dude watching it with us. then we went onward toward the sites. we stopped outside the gates of the old olympic site, the temple of zeus, the theatre of dionysos, the acropolis and finally made our way to the top of mars hill, the very place where Paul made his address to the "Men of Athens" in Acts 17. we watched the sunset over Athens from this incredible vantage point. so we returned to our hotel through the bustling streets of athens. then sunday morning we went to the international church. it was good, fun to see so many people from so many cultures worshipping together. after the service we briefly met a few of the stinters here. then we were off again to see this city (we got to see all of the archeological sites for free, because in the off-season on sundays, they are all open). we grabbed lunch at another cafe on a busy street, then headed straight for the acropolis, on the way we bumped into hadrian's library and roman agora, so we stopped in. then up the hill to the acropolis. we took pictures next to pretty much every ancient column in the city. it was fun, but now there are a lot of pictures of each of us standing by ourselves in front of some old marble stuff, we got a few pictures together though thanks to the mono-pod. its amazing to be at the top of the city on the acropolis because you can see the whole city, the mountains on three sides and the ocean on the last side. also very fortified in case greece has any enemies :) our last site to see was the filopappou hill. this was amazing to see the acropolis from another high spot in athens. then we hiked back down the hill in search for some good food. we stopped by many little restaurants, but just weren't feeling them. we walked around this busy little corner to find a small, fairly vacant restaurant. it seemed to have some stuff that looked good so we sat down, ordered some coffee and food. the owner was talking with another american in the patio area about how he was moving to wisconsin. we were intrigued and asked him where he was moving, turns out he is moving to a little town where a friend of ours went to college. through out the night we talked with the owner and the other american woman, it was just a nice little spot to enjoy a laid back meal. the food was excellent, as was the coffee. then the owner brought out this great greek dessert. lisa didn't love it, but i thought it was really good. it was a greek yogurt with honey. sounds strange, but it was good. then a nigerian refugee (there are lots of refugees here) came to our table and tried to sell us dvds. when the sale wasn't going well, he decided to try to flirt us into a sale. that didn't work either. in the end he walked away from our disinterest. i like this city. anyway, i recommend athens. and its fun to have a fun friend with you.

Is Jesus Enough?

2008-02-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

So I was in church this morning and the pastor was talking about the call to discipleship. It is this series entitled "Come, Follow Me" and I'm all for following Jesus so I was looking forward to what he was going to say. The sermon was not what I was expecting, not that I know what I was expecting. The bottom line was based on two questions, the first was, is just Jesus enough, and the second, what are you holding on to that you need to set down to follow Jesus?

The first question seemed to strike something within me. So with the first question the pastor asked another question, if Jesus were not in heaven, but you got all the other things would you be happy there? and i have to admit part of me thinks that it wouldn't be bad, it wouldn't be great, but not bad. seriously, though, no illness, no death, no brokenness, no sin, no war, plenty of all the good things, lots of love, happiness, friendship, music and dancing. But I guess what I am beginning to realize, as the larger part of me says I could not be happy without Jesus, is that Jesus is what makes all those things. He puts the beauty in them, so if He were not there to make them what they are, then it would be empty. So is Jesus enough, just Jesus? if the answer is anything but yes, my entire paradigm is lost. if Jesus is not enough then I can never follow Him the way He requires. how can I lose my life, give up every hope and dream, if Jesus is not enough.

Paul writes in his 2nd letter to the Corinthians, "For all the promises of God find their Yes in him (Jesus). That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. (1:20)"

I totally recommend reading 2 Corinthians, its rocking my world.

oh and on a totally ridiculous note, go see Be Kind Rewind. This is Jack Black's new movie with Mos Def and Danny Glover, directed by Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). There is no lame romantic story line to make it marketable, there are limited special affects, it is just so different then most of what is being produced these days. The movie is feel good, funny and fresh.

sky.

2008-02-11T13:47:00.001-08:00

i love the sky.

its so vast. the whole of space is right there above my head. here in florida there are no mountains, so it just goes on forever. i love the feeling of being really small compared to something.

i love that sometimes a cloudy sky makes me all melancholy, the sunshine makes me feel so alive, it all causes me to marvel at how great the Creator is. i love the puffy white clouds and the stars at night, sunrises and sunsets.

but i can't help but think this is the corrupt fallen version of the sky, because Paul writes in Romans 8:22 "For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now."

so this beautiful vastness that causes me to loose my breath on occasion is just a gross version of what it was supposed to be. is that possible?

i cannot even imagine the beauty that we have to behold in creation, when it is all redeemed, but even more than that, the Creator. I am looking forward to the day when we see Jesus face to face, when the veil is lifted. I want to live in light of that day.

process.

2008-02-05T10:13:00.000-08:00

i am becoming more and more convinced that the Lord calls us to move forward on things He does not intend to bring to fruition. for example, i am convinced that God sometimes calls people to the application/interview process for a job or a graduate program that He does not want that person to actually enroll in. i say this because i think it applies to a lot of areas of life. i don't know if its cultural or if its just me, but i do not want to enter into things that take up time and energy without the ends in mind. but i am beginning to think that sometimes Jesus just wants to use circumstances as a backdrop for what He is doing in our lives.

i am thinking about this ministry that i would love to be a part of, but i am not sure if i want to do it or if the Lord wants me to do it. it seems like if He doesn't want me to be a part of this, then shouldn't He in His infinite wisdom, just let me know that it isn't for me? but then no, He doesn't do that, He even seems to prompt me to move forward. so, i move forward.

this leaves me with a question: is it all for nothing?

i lean towards saying there is great purpose in the process. but i think it might be in more than just the job/education search.

i just think that process can be such an incredible time to seek the face of Jesus and that's pretty much the point. i am learning to be okay living in the gray of life because it is giving me incredible opportunity to look upon what God is doing and how He is doing it. so all in all i'm thankful for the time of process.

so i guess what i am saying is that i want to enter into process with my whole self. i have to believe that He is the one who is pushing me into these processes and i have to hope that the risk is worth it.

i guess the whole point of this blog is i don't like risk. i don't want to risk because it leaves me hurt and i have to believe that Jesus can take care of my hurt.

can He?

violence.

2008-01-20T07:00:00.002-08:00

can you point out one instance in the four Gospels when Jesus allows or supports violence?
please let me know if you find one.
thanks.

prosperity and suffering: an introduction

2007-12-25T21:06:00.000-08:00

the prosperity gospel. it sucks. what a waste of time. ("Prosperity theology, also known as prosperity doctrine or the Prosperity Gospel, is the doctrine that prosperity, particularly financial prosperity, and success in business or personal life is external evidence of God's favor." from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosperity_gospel)

how often do we, here in America, live out of the prosperity gospel? you might think, the prosperity gospel is not the Gospel. and you would be absolutely correct. but i think we often talk at least in a way like God owes us something. like He is supposed to give us specific things. i think that often our view of suffering is so off because we think through a lens of the prosperity gospel. but instead of being "God loves me so I'm going to be rich" we say "God loves me so I won't get sick or I'm going to have a happy life"

i am convinced that this is at the root of our poor view of suffering, more than our poor view of suffering, our unbiblical view of suffering.

john piper's view on the prosperity Gospel.

i'm still working out my thoughts on suffering. you'll get them in the new year.

i'm going to indiana so i'll catch you in 2008

christmas.

2007-12-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

so i went to this awesome Christmas spectacular last night. it was awesome. there was a 150 voice choir singing all the songs we know and love. as i was listening i was struck with a strange dichotomy the things the choir was singing were radical biblical truths. the one that stuck out to me was the "Jesus will reign forevermore" line. Under other circumstances, if someone were to have simply stood on the stage with a microphone and uttered those very same words, people would have freaked out. they would have called that person a radical Christian fundamentalist. i just think of what is allowed for the sake of tradition. not that i think its bad that we sing Christmas songs. i really enjoy it and i really enjoy the biblical truths. i was just noting the double standard.

on a second note, there was a beautiful lead window that had Father Christmas with the baby Jesus on the "very first Christmas" and it just made me laugh. Father Christmas appears no where in the four Gospels, but somehow he seems to be more affiliated with Christmas than the name Emmanuel, which is the hope that comes with Christmas. listen i like Santa as much as the next person, but seriously.

oh who doesn't love the secularization of Holy days or holidays?

ramblings.

2007-12-05T09:59:00.001-08:00

so i think i'm going to tap into creativity more. i like creative things. but i have this fear that other people might think things i've poured my heart out into are lame. which is a risk that i have to be willing to take, right? right. so i'm going to be more creative. i'm going to take risks. scary. i like to try new things. i have enjoyed almost all the new things i have tried this fall. i really like rock climbing, who would have guessed it. i have enjoyed jogging, its good to zone out for a bit. i like salsa dancing when i don't feel like i'm so awkward at it. i have really, really enjoyed my job. i think its a good fit for me. i think i might stay, but who knows. i don't have to decide today, so i won't decide today :) anyway.
i really like Sufjan Stevens rendition of Come Thou Fount...its one of my favorite hymns.
there is something about a good hymn. there is depth and emotion. after all this time, people still feel those things.
i feel like i am beginning an intense thing with the Lord. not that it wasn't intense before, but now it is getting serious. i think it might be hard, i think it is going to be really hard. without going into any detail i think He's going to uproot some junk. i'm excited for when its over and there is freedom, but the process has to potential to be pretty intense.
but i'm in for it. ready or not here it comes.

arguing

2007-11-19T22:44:00.000-08:00

so do you think we are arguing about the wrong things?
do you think that maybe we are getting stopped up and wrapped up in talking and bickering about the wrong things?
i think maybe we have. and by we, i mean i.
i'm so quick to want to have the best argument or to not be willing to change positions, because if i do, i am called to change.
but i claim to be a woman who loves Truth, who seeks after that which is right and good.
how is it that this fight is against one another? not that heresy or bad exegesis is okay. not that we should be okay with bad teaching, but how do we get in these fights that aren't about the things that really matter? how does the enemy convince that the goal is to be right about things that cannot be known? the problem is an has always been that humans want to be like God and it is not possible.
i just keep thinking about how many talks i have heard on the dangers of post-modernity and how it is going to be the downfall of the whole earth. ever since Genesis 3 the world has been headed to downfall, the whole Noahic flood thing was because of how screwed up things got and the whole New Covenant Jesus thing is about redeeming this screwed up place.
we live in this world, Jesus calls us to be in the world, but not of the world. and in the world post-modernity is happening. it simply cannot be stopped. that is not the fight. worldviews are wrong. the only worldview that is correct is the one Jesus holds. the Truth that He came to bring a new kingdom, He came to redeem all things. He came that His people might have life and have it abundantly, if we are willing to lose our lives, to gain them.
what good is it to have a great rebuttal for post-modernity, if it is simply another messed up worldview? is modernity any better? no. its not. it is still not the Gospel of Jesus. the fight becomes about who's writing what and what are they insinuating. then its about whether or not we should do whatever. this fight becomes about things, instead of about Jesus. the point is not that living out this life is unimportant, but that believers are able to live out this life by the power of the Holy Spirit and by the Truths that have been laid out for us in the Scriptures. when the battle begins to be about people and those who represent the "others" those who disagree, then we lose. because the reality is that the battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers and principalities of darkness. this is a spiritual battle, that we fight against the deceiver, against the one who tries to hold us in bondage to sin. but the battle is not fought with weapons of this world, but have divine power to destroy strongholds.
every person that walks the face of the earth bears the image of the One True God. every person. so there is no "enemy" of the flesh that can be of little or no value, because each person is an image bearer he is important. because he is known by God the Father, he is important. that's just true. yet i am prone to see those who disagree with me or those who would seek harm for me as my enemies. Jesus says take care of them, LOVE them. how insane.
why is it that i continue to look to what is true, but don't live out what i already know is true?
Jesus says to love one another, that is how they will know who His disciples are, by their love. but i'm too busy trying to be "right" to love.
we fight about doctrine and the way to study the Word and all of these issues. they are important, but they are important not because they will lead us to life abundant but because they are supposed to help us to seek the Father, His Kingdom and to be like Him. not so we can squander away the precious time we have to live out these truths that we find.
i don't have any conclusions, i don't know what this looks like practically, but i am beginning to think that maybe it doesn't look a certain way, but it is the Way. it doesn't seem like Jesus cared all that much about pragmatism either. He calls us to trust Him with everything, to lay down our lives, that He will bring them back up in the resurrection.
yet, i seek after all the things of this world, what's worse is i try to make is spiritual, so its even more shameful. Jesus says what good is it if a man gains the whole world, but loses his soul? i think that is the question.

leaving

2007-10-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

well. i am leaving. i will be pretty unreachable for 4 weeks. i have had some things that i have wanted to write about, but the coherence seems to be a little lacking and i have deleted at least three blogs, so that's why you get this nothing post 12 hours before i have to be to the airport. upon my return, though, i plan to have some good stuff prepared. there may be several posts to go up all at once and you won't know what to do with it all. so while i'm gone i'll be reading several books and enjoying my job and life. i am quite excited about this little adventure and will share with you all about it in a month.
its also the first time that i will be out of the country for my birthday. so the next time you hear from me i'll be another year older, weird.

Hope

2007-09-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

"now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" Hebrews 11:1
"so now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love" 1 Cor 13:13
the word "hope" is used so much in everyday life and its clear from the context in Scripture its not used the same way throughout the Word as we use it in the world. we "hope" it doesn't rain or "hope" we get to sleep in an extra 30 minutes or "hope" we can do or have or see lots of things. but the word used in the New Testament for hope is elpis, this word is used 54 times. This Greek word means "expectation of evil, fear or expectation of good, hope" Strong's concordance goes on to say "in the Christian sense, joyful & confident expectation of eternal salvation" (emphasis mine)
so this word HOPE it has a depth that i want to search out.
the thing i note most is that our hope is in eternal salvation. i often place hope in how God will provide for me or how God will do something. it seems easier to hope in His action for today, but the truth is, His action is what He calls us to hope in. But its the action that is far greater than His providing materials things. He calls us to hope in our salvation through Christ's death and resurrection. We hope in that we will never die. That though we die, we live.
Death no longer has a hold, so what have we to fear. Because if Jesus conquered death and we join with Him in death and resurrection then we too have conquered death. "no, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us" Romans 8:37
Paul's writings on God's care and provision for us are founded in the hope that comes in eternal life. That we do not have to guess whether or not we will be saved. We stand in confidence. And that is why Paul can write some crazy stuff. "behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. we put no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger... as dying, and behold, we live...as having nothing, yet possessing everything" (emphasis mine). Jesus says that everything we need is eternal life, everything we need is him, because even if we lose our lives we gain. even if we die, we live. so there is nothing we could need except Him.
in a world where people die by the millions everyday because of hunger, war, poverty, violence, disease, and the like it seems insane that Jesus would say that He is all we need. it seems like we need health and food and shelter and protection, but Jesus says that we need him, because even with health, food, shelter, and protection, we are mortal and we will die and that everything in this place will pass. but that He remains, forever.

from "good" to "freedom"

2007-09-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

So this is what I've been reading and what I think about it...
I continue to read that a post-modern thinker is less concerned with being good, but would rather be free. This is so important in the way the Gospel is presented. Not only how its presented, but rather looking at what the Gospel is. Many Gospel presentations share about how we are separated from God because we are not good, because we have fallen short of some standard. But a post-modern response is "who says what's good?" "why does that definition or standard have to apply to me?" whether or not these are valid questions does not change the fact that they are asked. I know easily it is said that the standard is set, so to question it doesn't change the fact that it is in place. I totally agree, but you won't reach this generation with a response like that. People will turn and call you small minded. Whether or not they are right, it is the response.
So we are all about reaching people, and in the same way that we learn new languages if we are going to minister the Gospel overseas, we must learn to speak in a way that is understandable to this generation. I DID NOT SAY CHANGE THE GOSPEL. I do not advocate changing who Jesus is or how we are saved or any of those things, but there seems to be room to move toward a message of freedom. Freedom is in the scriptures. Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free" and Isaiah writes and Jesus restates, "The Lord has anointed me...to proclaim liberty to the captives (Isaiah 61:1 and Luke 4:18).
So how are post modern thinkers reached?
Is it necessary to have a desire to be good? or is it about having a desire to know God through Christ Jesus?
I'm just asking some questions, just thinking it through. These thoughts are absolutely subject to change. As I seek the Lord, I pray you would too and we could know God more through asking these questions. And talking about the answers together.

One more question, where do freedom and shalom intersect?

learn a new world

2007-09-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

i live in orlando now. and i think i like it. one of the things talked about so much in my community is "learning a new world" its what i was trying to do this summer in asia. but no one told me it was going to be like that here.
i moved around a lot growing up and thought this transition would be as easy as any of those, but i was wrong. before when i left it was always with someone, with the exception of college, where there were tons of new freshman who didn't move with someone. and before i hadn't poured my life into others. its strange to be in a new place, without people you would jump in front of a bus for. i miss my friends, i miss the people who know me. not that i don't love getting to know new people, because i do.
i have to rely on the Spirit and that's just what i am going to have to do. everything is new and different. i'm glad that i don't have to learn a new language in order to survive here, but everything else is totally new.
i like new though. i can do new.

its just weird to still see the old. still talk to people who are doing the things i would be doing if i lived in muncie. and thanks to facebook, i even know what people are doing on the weekends. i get invited to see shows at the living room and i'm a little bummed that i don't get to go. but the Lord has me here, and i said i would go. so i'm going. praise the Lord that He allows me to go on His behalf to the ends. only by His grace.

new blog

2007-09-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

i got a new blog. i thought it was time. i'm in a new place with new people doing a new job. i figure a new blog is just what i need.